[HUMOR] Tax Story

Gordon Garb (ggarb@apple.com)
05 Feb 97 19:01:53 -0800

This is a true story, word for word.

>From HR Block files: I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer
the IRS. (Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that
no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is
of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last
year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.
believe the letter speaks for itself.)

Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two
the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.
have questioned whether these are my children for years. They are evil

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that
government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may
next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year
they are yours]

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her. I suggest
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be
breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that
keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have
immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to
the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has
boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe,
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex.
This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling
this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who
had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened
three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He
his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him
to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on
a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is
out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care
filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and his
friends have raging hormones. This is a house of testosterone and it
be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles,
telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers])

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news]
can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
denying] It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She
cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos
worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it
be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free. If you take the two
oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as
as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to
the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,


(Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date.
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." Our response, "Gee,
Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break.")

Courtesy*Integrity*Perseverance*Self Control*Indomitable Spirit

"We can be logical only up to the point where optimism and hope
take over. That is both the limitation and the saving grace of
the human condition." Toni Jeffreys 'The Mile-High Staircase'