[HUMOR] Jean-Paul Sartre's Cooking Diary

Gordon Garb (ggarb@worldnet.att.net)
03 Mar 97 08:49:54 -0800

>>>October 3 - Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has
>>>never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home
>>>immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula
>>>for a Denver omelet.
>>>October 4 - Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling
>>>blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers
>>>marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I
>>>want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of
>>>existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the
>>>plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights
>>>off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
>>>October 6 - I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and
>>>cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some
>>>coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am
>>>encouraged, but my journey is still long.
>>>October 10 - I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of
>>>traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so
>>>acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
>>>Tuna Casserole
>>>Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
>>>Instructions: Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a
>>>chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry
>>>you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.
>>>While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its
>>>inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater
>>>recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some
>>>other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.
>>>October 25 - I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an
>>>entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by
>>>itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God,
>>>as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each
>>>of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred
>>>pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the
>>>kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I
>>>produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons
>>>of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have
>>>much work ahead.
>>>November 15 - Today I made a Black Forest gateau out of five pounds of
>>>cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the
>>>word gateau. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly,
>>>but would not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most
>>>profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty
>>>Crocker Bake-Off.
>>>November 30 - Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not
>>>go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and
>>>bit Betty Crocker's wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of
>>>felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to
>>>say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite
>>>homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a
>>>rather nasty lawsuit.
>>>December 1 - I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two
>>>months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so
>>>fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were
>>>when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I
>>>will live on cigarettes and black coffee.
>>"I thought Brian was a perfect gentlemen, apart from buttering his head and
>>trying to put it between two slices of bread."
>> -Tom Petty,
>> after dining with Brian Wilson