From: Aubrey Wallace <aubreywallace@
Politics and cows
FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of
PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes
them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to
take care of
all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM Your cows are cared for by
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
from the chicken farmers.The government gives you as
much milk and
eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM You share two cows with your neighbors.
You and your
neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and
who has the
most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any
milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take
care of them,
but the government takes all the milk. You steal back
as much milk
as you can and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA You have two cows. You have to take care of
the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much
milk as you can
and sell it on the "free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government
takes both and
DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes
both and drafts
PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide
who gets the
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then
it pays you
not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM You don't have any cows. The bank will not
money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to
put up as
PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the
milk at a fair
price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and
buy a bull.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government
requires you to
take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM You have two cows, one American, one
Chinese. With the
help of trilling violins and state of the art montage
John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American
the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp)
divorced parents, then
mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten
every day by a
tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered
before its eyes.
The American cow wins the competition, severely
spraining an udder in
a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar
endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the
arena and shot by
Chinese government officials,though no one ever hears
McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at
16400 Blackberry Hill Road
Los Gatos, CA 95032 USA