If Highways Were Like The Net

Mark Q. Maxham (max@atg.apple.com)
Wed, 22 Feb 1995 10:18:31 -0800

If Highways Were Like The Net

There it is again. Some clueless FOOL talking about the Information
Superhighway. They don't know JACK about the net. It's NOTHING like a
Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor.

Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the OTHER direction. Suppose the
HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All right! Severe craziness. A highway
HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with potholes. Privately operated bridges
and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles
with broken whistles. 500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear
weapons. 237 ON RAMPS at every intersection. NO SIGNS. Wanna get to
Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask
directions. AD HOC traffic laws. Some lanes would VOTE to make use by
a single-occupant-vehicle a CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through Friday
between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just SHOOT you without a
trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims
and a TOILET spewing out on the road behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS
and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of which have been
ASSEMBLED AT HOME from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower LAWNMOWER ENGINES
with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn NITROGLYCERINE and
IDLE at 120.

No license tags. World War II BOMBER NOSE ART instead. Terrifying
paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE
GUNS. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a WHITE
PHOSPHORUS GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT
MISSILE BATTERIES to shoot down the KRUD Traffic Watch helicopter. A
little kid on a tricycle with a squirtgun filled with HYDROCHLORIC


Now THAT'S the way to run an Interstate Highway system.

Author: David Lesher wb8foz@netcom.com