[HUMOR] More Steven Wright

Mark Q. Maxham (max@atg.apple.com)
Wed, 22 Feb 1995 10:18:31 -0800

Probably stuff you've seen before, but still pretty funny.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
coffee table. They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman
in France who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music.
Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I
wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer &
farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed
to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
I don't know how I got there.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh,
that's much better.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea
shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror.
Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.