Lots of very deep thoughts

Bart Bartlett (bart@informix.com)
Mon, 18 Nov 1996 10:35:39 -0800

>It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
>If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
>look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
>If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
>is crying.'' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell
>is ``Probably because of something you did.''
>To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
>the dancers hit each other.
>If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
>might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
>Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
>when you're coming home his face might burn up.
>To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
>where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus
>and a clown killed my dad.
>I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet
>can really see it in those genitals.
>Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal in not the lion or
>or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an
>elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
>As we were driving, we saw a sign that said ``Watch For Rocks.'' Marta
said it
>should read ``Watch For Pretty Rocks.'' I told her she should write in her
>suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke --
>just to get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy!
>As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
>pleasurable -- until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
>Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
>stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
>treasure. I said, ``Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us
have a
>plane to catch you know.''
> He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and
>I thought: ``This story isn't too long.'' But then, he kept going and I
>started thinking, ``Uh-oh, this story is getting long.'' But then, the story
>was over, and I said to myself: ``You know, that story wasn't too long after
> I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the
>It was a little long though.
>If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
>students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.
>Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
>across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
>his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.
>also, you're drunk.
>I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him
>Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one
>of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
>Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
>and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS
>that thing?!
>In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
>automatically disqualify you.
>If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
>back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
>If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
>and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I
am a
>The memories of my family outings are still a source of streangth to me. I
>remember we'd all pile into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive
>and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
>there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
>sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called ``Dad.'' We'd eat
>some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.
> I guess some things never leave you.
>Blow ye winds,
>Like the trumpet blows;
>But without that noise.
>I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town,
>we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
>He was a cowboy mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
>woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
>Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said ``Dust to dust,'' some people
>laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others,
>be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun.''
>When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
>Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back
>and said ``Hey, good job.''
>If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends
>are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
>Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
>myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When
>the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
>porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note
>that says ``You.''
> After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
>I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
>nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it
>round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd
>yell out, ``Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!''
> We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
>The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
>If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
>because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the
>we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not
>prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
>gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
>I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
>Superman away.
>Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over
>the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the
>stuff that comes flying out.
>I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was
>coming. ``You don't have to tell me,'' I said. ``I'm off the team, aren't
> ``Well,'' said Coach, ``you never were really ON the team. You made that
>uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space
>helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us
>chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate
> It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is
>brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of
>raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
>If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
>dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though.
>It's Hambone.
>When I heard that trees grow a new ``ring'' for each year they live, I
>we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and
>after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
>Laurie got offended that I used the word ``puke.'' But to me, that's what
>dinner tasted like.
>If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your
>lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
>It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple
>as wild dogs.
>Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives
>connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
>The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
>to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
> ``Sorry,'' he said with a smile.
>If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
>lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going
>to have fun with this thing.
>Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
>accompished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he
>kicked me, then he punched me again.
>If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
>cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
>instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then,
>later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake
>cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ``Boy, these are good
>Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
>brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
>like a deer.
>The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the
>sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
>I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
>That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat
> How about it, science?
>When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
>press charges.
>I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash it they
>don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when
>somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, ``What was that?!''
>I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
> ``That was fun,'' I said.
> ``You bet it was,'' said Nick. ``Let's climb higher.''
> ``No,'' I said. ``I think we should be heading back now.''
> ``We have time,'' Nick insisted.
> I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like
>for about 20 minutes then finally decided to head back.
> I didn't say it was an interesting story.
>If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really
>embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
>Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked
>the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
>Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be
>PROUD to be sprayed by one.
>I bet one legend that keeps recurring thoughout history, in every culture, is
>the story of Popeye.
>To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the
>same time, u'real. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some
>things I can't remember, all rolled into one big ``Thing.'' This is
truth, to
>Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
>is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
>Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
>You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes
>people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
>I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to
>be an eclipse and tell the cave men, `` I have come to destroy you, may the
>sun be blotted out from the sky.
>Just then the eclipse would start, and
>they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain
>the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
>We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we
>be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
>I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like
>to do what I say.
>Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our
>And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around
>myself, a ``shell'' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard,
>protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
>A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt
>and beg for it.
>One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
>little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
>warehouse. ``Oh, no,'' I said, ``Disneyland burned down.''
> He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty
>good joke.
> I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
>As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
>thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
>I named him Flint.
>If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop
>and start thinking of what other words have ``under'' in them, because that's
>probably the first sign of jungle madness.
>Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
>back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears
>me, because I am beautiful.
>Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
>astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
>Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam
>the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say
>he's not Dracula, but you just say, ``Think again, bat man.''
>I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but
>a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they
>wouldn't eat so much.
>I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an
>arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like
>the top thing you can do.
>I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he
>hit on the head and damages the part of the brain that makes you want to
>the brain.
>I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut
>it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open,
>and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a
>person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or
>something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy -- something like that.
>It makes me mad when I got to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
>a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, ``You can't throw
>to the dolphins. They eat fish.''
> Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
>If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
>glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
>We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
>personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
>It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones
>on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put
>it on and really scare you.
>If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you
>cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
>People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they
>forget the down side, which is the preening.
> If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
>holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
>said something like ``Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!'' and
>laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ``That's
>right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.''
> Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of
>the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
>When I think back on all the blessing I have been given in my life, I can't
>think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all
>those wishes.
>I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,
>because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ``Americans'' as their mascot.
>Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, ``Aw,
>who cares?'' And then I think, ``Hey, what's for supper?''
>If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just
>slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
>I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
>Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They
>probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
>If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I
>think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people
>see that and they think, ``Forgive me, but that's just too much.''
>Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the
>ground, and if it opens wider, go ``Whoa! Whoa!'' and flail your arms around,
>like you're going to fall in.
>If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people
>do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be
>It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe
>it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight,
>away from the first fight.
>I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
>just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
>I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the
>movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and
>running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
>would say, ``Hey, let's put him in the movie.''
>What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
>solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
>Instead of having ``answers'' on a math test, they should just call them
>``impressions,'' and if you got a different ``impression,'' so what, can't
>we all be brothers?
>If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes
>enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
>Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal,
>trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!
>The reason that every major university maintains a department of
>mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize
>all those people.
>Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
someday be
>noticed, and maybe in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the
>greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
Bart Bartlett, Product Manager Enterprise Connectivity
Informix Software Inc., 4100 Bohannon Drive, Menlo Park, CA 94025

(415) 926 - 6676, Fax: 926 - 1157, bart@informix.com, http://www.informix.com
gateway web page: http://fox.informix.com/prodmgt/gateway/gtwy.htm

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.