Jane S (
20 Jan 1997 14:05:31 -0800


Food Chain Theme
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

Metaphysics & Philosophy
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Born Free . . . Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

War & Peace
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find
a rock."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

Perversity of the Universe
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them
begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the
7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning,
I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their
mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for
breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some
Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs
upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her
voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like
for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can
bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios.

>The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
>If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
>Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If
>they're OK, you're it.
>Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
>A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
>It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
>Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
>If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
>COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you
>The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
>appreciates how difficult it was.
>It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
>Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
>The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
>man can see better than he can think.
>Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
>criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
>(Why are they talking about me here???!!! Why don't they all just go
>A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel
>happy to be on your way.
>Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
>(note: sexist comment....we know the opposite is not true, that naked women
>have no influence on society....sure, tell that to Hefner.....we need to
>fight for equal rights...let naked men have influence!!! Hahaha...!!)
>Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
>them to where you can't find them.
>Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
>evenly distributed.
>Hope you enjoyed!!! Now, get back to work or do something useful!!!! Haha!
>Take care!!!