[HUMOR] Computer Humor. Hee hee hee...

Gordon Garb (ggarb@apple.com)
27 Jan 97 11:03:49 -0800

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 10:45:17 -0800 (PST)
From: Jesse Mundis <jesse@Internex.NET>
To: Jesse Mundis <jesse@Internex.NET>
Subject: Computer Humor. Hee hee hee... (fwd)

Thanks to Jen for forwarding this one.

> Who says computer reviews are boring? I saw this in the local computer
> magazine, and thought ya might get a kick out of it. I'm assuming it's
> local (didn't say it was wire), so you won't have seen it. . .
> ***
> Four of the biggest films of 1996 -- Twister, Eraser, Mission
> Impossible and Independence Day -- have one thing in common besides
> box-office success: in each film, portable computers played a prominent
> role. We decided to put the portable computers in these flims to the
> and asnwer once and for all the question, "Hey, if I happen to find
> in a big-budget Hollywood movie, which portable computer will give me
> best performance?
> Twister featured a Silicon Graphics laptop, which is intesting
> since Silicon Graphics doens't make laptops. Nevertheless, a label
> "Silicon Graphics" was placed conspicuously on the computer, because
> just never know when you might forget the brand name of your computer.
> Overall, this computer performed more than adequately. For one thing,
> was robust. While seemingly everything else in the movie was sucked
> the tornado, the Silicon Graphics laptop was unharmed. This is
> when you think about it. Houses, cows and even an 18-wheeler were blown
> away by tornadoes, but this computer remained undamaged, even when it
> used at one point as an umbrella.
> Aside from personal bad-weather protection, another
> important feature of the Silicon Graphics laptop was its ability not to
> self-destruct due to the complete inanity of the script. My sources
> me that many lesser computers were unable to make it through the first
> third of the film without a system error.
> One computer actually exploded in the first 20 mintues after a
> particularly silly scene involving the fiancee of Bill Paxton's
> But not the Silicon Graphics laptop. It kept on performing at a high
> level. If the big-budget film you're in happens to have a script with
> the subtlety of a bad Baywatch episode, then the Silicon Graphics
> is definitely the computer for you, even if it doesn't exist.
> Eraser also featured a portable computer. Unfortunately, I do not
> know which portable computer it was. Neither does anyone at Warner
> Brothers, including Steve in Product Placement, who informed me, "I'm
> sorry, this office cannot comment on that."
> It really doesn't matter, though, because the Unknown Laptop is a
> real disappointment. About all that can be said in its favor is that it
> didn't blow up. Admittedly, that's an accomplishment. After all,
> practically everything else in the movie exploded, sometimes more than
> once. If you do find yourself in a flick with lots of exploding
> and houses, you might want to find out what computer this one is. Just
> don't ask Steve in Product Placement, because he can't comment.
> Where the Unknown Laptop comes up really short is in performance.
> For example, early in the film Vanessa William's character copies
> important files onto a CD-ROM(!). When she arrives home and attempts to
> open the files with her laptop, she finds that the CD-ROM will not run,
> thus making the computer completely useless for the film. Because of
> defect, Williams and Arnold Schwarzenegger must break into CIA
> headquarters and open the classified files from within the
> building.
> Admittedly, this may be more of a software problem than a hardware
> problem. Microsoft is now working on a plug-in for Windows 95 that will
> allow users to open classified documents stolen from the CIA, but the
> original release date was set for November 1995. After countless
> Microsoft now refuses to set a new date for the release. The truth is
> that it might be several years before an operating system is available
> that will reliably open classified documents stolen from the CIA.
> Furthermore, Herbert Naylor, an imaginary spokesman for Microsoft,
> claims that this defect is really not a problem. "The movie," he
> says, "was starting to drag at that point, and if not for the computer
> failing, the screenwriters might never have come up with a reason for
> characters to break into the CIA." This is a salient point, and one
> serious computer user must consider. Among the computers reviewed here,
> the Unkonwn Laptop was clearly the best at moving the plot along.
> One of the stars of Mission Impossible was a Macintosh PowerBook
> 540C. I know this because I called Apple Computer, and they were
> positively giddy to tell me about all the Apple computers used in films
> this summer. They'd probably still be talking to me right now, if I
> come up with an excuse to end the conversation.
> In this film, the Macintosh advantage is clear. Whereas the Unknown
> Laptop was unable to open classified files, Tom Cruise's PowerBook did
> have the same problem. It easily handled classified information.
> Nevertheless, the PowerBook 540C did display some flaws. For example,
> of the most popular lists of classified information take several months
> longer to be released for the Macintosh platform, but the PowerBook
> superior ability in opening classified files makes it well worth the
> One can only hope this will persuade developers to release more lists
> classified information for the Macintosh.
> Another interesting feature of this PowerBook is its superior
> acting ability. For example, in several scenes the PowerBook managed to
> outact Cruise. True, this is not that difficult an accomplishment. (In
> scene, the leg of a table in the corner of the screen outacted Cruise
> several seconds). Nevertheless, it is always impressive when a portable
> computer manges to outperform the lead actor.
> You may have mixed feelings about this. If you're the type of
> actor who likes to be surrounded by superior actors in the hopes that
> will make the movie that much more successful, then the PowerBook 540C
> for you. However, if you're at all worried about being upstaged, you
> want to consider another model.
> Independence Day (or: How I Saved the World From Destruction With
> a PowerBook) featured a Macintosh PowerBook 5300. This movie is where
> Macintosh really shines. While the other computers performed adequately
> their films, no other portable computer was able to save the world from
> alien desruction. Therefore, the PowerBook 5300 is our selection as the
> best portable computer of the group.
> Remember the old days when connecting to alien spaceships by modem
> took hours of confusing configuration, and was sometimes impossible
> because you lacked the proper drivers? With the PowerBook 5300, that
> has come to an end. Everything on it is preinstalled. Just point and
> click, and you are all set. Thanks to Apple's new technology, you can
> use your modem to play Doom against alien lifeforms.
> Equally impressive is the fact that Apple seems to have eliminated
> the problem of screen freezes. Not once in the entire film did the
> computer freeze, forcing Jeff Goldblum to reboot. For me, this was even
> more unbelievable than the concept of aliens rom another planet coming
> down to Earth and trying to destroy the human race.
> If Goldblum had had to use my Macintosh, instead, the scene near
> the end in which he and Will Smith fly to the alien mothership to
upload a
> computer virus may have turned out entirely different:
> GOLDBLUM: Okay, all we have to do is wait for it to upload the
> virus into the alien mothership. Oh, damn! It's stopped! The screen
> SMITH: Don't be giving me none of that freeze stuff! I told you we
> should have used a PC!
> GOLDBLUM: It'll be okay. We just have to restart the computer.
> SMITH: We got three minutes.
> GOLDBLUM: Three minutes! I can't restart a Mac in three minutes?
> Aaaargh! We're all gonna die!
> At this point, the human race would have been destroyed, the movie
> would have ended, and audiences across the nation wouldn't have been as
> pleased. But the PowerBook 5300 in Independence Day saved the day,
> that Apple has again become a serious player. If you find yourself in a
> big-budget film in which the existence of the human race is in your
> you have no choice but to buy the PowerBook 5300.
> By Joe Lavin

Courtesy*Integrity*Perseverance*Self Control*Indomitable Spirit

"Ernie, keep your cool, I'll teach you how to blow the sax.
I think I dig your problem--it's rubber and it quacks (...)
I've learned a thing or two from years of playin' in the band;
It's hard to hold a saxaphone with somethin' in your hand...."

Mr. Hoots to Ernie the Muppet in 'Put Down the Duckie'