[HUMOR] The Differences Between Men and Women

Gordon Garb (ggarb@worldnet.att.net)
01 Mar 97 19:17:28 -0800

> The Differences Between Men and Women
> --------------------------------------
> Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
> asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
> few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
> themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
> while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
> And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
> Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
> realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
> six months?"
> And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
> loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him
> that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
> relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
> obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
> And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
> And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
> relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
> I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
> the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
> going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
> intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
> lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
> really even know this person?
> And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ...
> February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
> car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ...
> Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
> And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
> I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
> relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
> even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,
> I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
> his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
> And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
> transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
> shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
> weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this
> thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those
> incompetent thieves $600.
> And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
> angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
> can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
> And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
> warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
> And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
> knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
> next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
> I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
> person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
> fantasy.
> And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
> a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
> their .... .
> "Roger," Elaine says aloud.
> "What?" says Roger, startled.
> "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
> beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I
> feel so ... so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
> "What?" says Roger.
> "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
> really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
> horse."
> "There's no horse?" says Roger.
> "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
> "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
> "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
> (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
> tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
> that he thinks might work.)
> "Yes," he says.
> (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
> "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
> "What way?" says Roger.
> "That way about time," says Elaine.
> "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
> (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
> to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
> involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
> "Thank you, Roger," she says.
> "Thank you," says Roger.
> Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
> tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
> his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
> becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
> Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses
> of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in
> the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
> understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
> about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
> The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
> them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
> In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
> everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
> word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
> every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
> subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
> definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
> Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
> friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
> say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"