[HUMOR] Excuses, Excuses...

Mark Q. Maxham (max@research.apple.com)
Mon, 22 Jul 96 10:36:09 CDT

>I'd love to, but...
>1 I have to floss my cat.
>2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
>3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
>4 The President said he might drop in.
>5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
>6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
>7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
>8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
>9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
>10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
>11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
>12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
>13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
>14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
>15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
>16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
>17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
>18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
>19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
>20 My crayons all melted together.
>21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
>22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
>23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
>24 My patent is pending.
>25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
>26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
>27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
>28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
>29 I'm being deported.
>30 The grunion are running.
>31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
>32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
>33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
>34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
>35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
>36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
>37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
>38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
>39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
>40 I have to fulfill my potential.
>41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
>42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
>43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
>44 My subconscious says no.
>45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
>46 I left my body in my other clothes.
>47 The last time I went, I never came back.
>48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
>49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
>50 None of my socks match.
>51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
>52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
>53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
>54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
>55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
>56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
>57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
>58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
>59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
>60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
>61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
>62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
> named Basil Metabolism.
>63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
> can't put it down.
>64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
>65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
>66 I have too much guilt.
>67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
>68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
>69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
>70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
>71 I feel a song coming on.
>72 I'm trying to be less popular.
>73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
>74 I have to bleach my hare.
>75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
>76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
>77 You know how we psychos are.
>78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
>79 I have to study for a blood test.
>80 I'm going to be old someday.
>81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
>82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
>83 I have to rotate my crops.
>84 My uncle escaped again.
>85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
>86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
>87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
>88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
>89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
>90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
>91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
>92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone
> is looking for me.
>93 I have to jog my memory.
>94 My palm reader advised against it.
>95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
>96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
>97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
>98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
>99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
>100 I'm trying to cut down.
>101 ... well, maybe.