HUMOR: Year 2000

Jeff Holcomb (
Wed, 19 Feb 1997 14:06:13 -0800

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake
of this story, we'll call him Goovoo. After years of being taken for
granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Goovoo
was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant
specialising in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, travelling all over the world on
different assignments, and making more money than he'd ever dreamed of.

He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Soon he could retire.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on
Goovoo. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about
the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year
2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of
breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the
year 2000 and all that came with it.

Goovoo decided to contact a company that specialised in cryogenics. He
made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a
very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next
thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year
celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to
worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive
date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum,
and that was that.

The next thing that Goovoo saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!"
and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any
he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science
fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward.

Goovoo couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000
already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises
all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that 2000 had gone, but that there had been a
problem with the programming of the timer on Goovoo's cryogenic
receptacle - it hadn't been year 2000 compliant, and it was now March
15th of 2099, not 2000. But the spokesman told Goovoo that he shouldn't
get excited as someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that
looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth.

He told Goovoo not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be
alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space
programme had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on
Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had
virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on
the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded

"That sounds terrific," said Goovoo. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody
so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister. "2100 is just around the corner, and it
says in your files that you know COBOL".