[HUMOR] Apple outsources EMT

Mark Q. Maxham (max@atg.apple.com)
Thu, 23 May 1996 08:34:23 -0700

(an original work -- comments solicited before I distribute it widely -- max)

Apple Computer Announces Outsourcing of Executive Management

CUPERTINO, California--May 30, 1996--Apple Computer, Inc., announced today
that to speed its return to profitability, it will include executive management among the tasks to be turned over to outside agencies. "Management has never been a traditional strength of Apple Computer," said Gil Amelio, Apple's current CEO. "As a part of tightening Apple's focus on core competency, the executive team has decided that the running of this company is best left to another company entirely." Amelio and his staff will be released from their contracts to join a new, as-yet unnamed management-focused startup in Silicon Valley.

Several industry pundits praised the decision. "It's a smart move," said computer columnist John Dvorak. "The joke in the industry is that the difference between Apple and a kindergarten class is that kindergarteners have adult supervision. By removing the burden of running the company, Apple is freeing itself to focus on its superior technology."

Others agreed. "Look at their past," said former Apple executive Jean-Louis Gasse. "Apple's leadership started with an egomaniac micromanager (Jobs), continued with an escapee from the fizzy-wanter industry (Sculley), and has recently floundered under man nicknamed 'Diesel' who said 'vision wasn't important' (Spindler). Sure, Amelio appears to be the right man for the job -- but that wouldn't be Apple, would it? Direction must come from outside." When asked if criticism of Apple's past management should extend to him, Gasse said only, "Of course not, you stupid American."