[HUMOR] Men and Women Are NOT Alike...
Mark Q. Maxham (max@atg.apple.com)
Thu, 23 May 1996 08:34:23 -0700
> > NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
> >
> > Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
> > After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
> > topics, these facts have emerged.
> >
> > Relationships:
> >
> > First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
> > he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a
> > semi-regular basis".
> >
> > When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
> > out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
> > Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
> >
> > A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after
> > the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call
> > and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and
> > I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
> > But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us".
> > This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call,
> > that 99% if not all men have made at least once. There are
> > community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
> > need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
> >
> > Sex:
> >
> > Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds
> > of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of
> > the foreplay.
> >
> > Maturity:
> >
> > Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
> > function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
> > baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
> > This is why high school romances rarely work out.
> >
> > Magazines:
> >
> > Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
> > magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
> > the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
> > is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
> > Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
> > naked men elicit laughter from women.
> >
> > Handwriting:
> >
> > To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They
> > just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary
> > and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use
> > ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a
> > royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's
> > dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
> >
> > Comedy:
> >
> > Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
> > watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges
> > comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they
> > will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions
> > of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their
> > eyes and groan and wait it out.
> >
> > Bathrooms:
> >
> > A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
> > shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
> > Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's
> > bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of
> > these items.
> >
> > Groceries:
> >
> > A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
> > store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items
> > left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes
> > grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the
> > time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed
> > tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of
> > course, this will not stop him from going to the
> > 10-items-or-less lane.
> >
> > Shoes:
> >
> > When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
> > and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes
> > in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will
> > put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them
> > off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the
> > same pair of shoes all day.
> >
> > Leg Warmers:
> >
> > Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
> > doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear
> > them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he
> > is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
> >
> > Going Out:
> >
> > When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to
> > go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she
> > WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring,
> > finishes putting on her makeup...
> >
> > Cats:
> >
> > Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
> > looking, men kick cats.
> >
> > Offspring:
> >
> > Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
> > about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
> > friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> > A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
> >
> > Low Blows:
> >
> > Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
> > One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh,
> > gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over,
> > and actually FEELS the pain.
> >
> > Dressing Up:
> >
> > A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
> > the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
> > will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
> >
> > David Letterman:
> >
> > Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
> > Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has
> > a bad haircut.
> >
> > Laundry:
> >
> > Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
> > article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
> > were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
> > When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
> > sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
> > clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
> > women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs
> > of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
> >
> > Weddings:
> >
> > When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
> > Men talk about "the bachelor party".
> >
> > Socks:
> >
> > Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
> > Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the
> > ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big
> > fuzzy ball on the back.
> >
> > Nicknames:
> >
> > If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
> > they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
> > But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
> > affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
> > Peanut-Brain and Useless.
> >
> >
> > Eating out:
> >
> > .. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
> > throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of
> > them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit
> > they want change back. When the girls get their check, out
> > come the pocket calculators.
> >
> > Mirrors:
> >
> > Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
> > Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
> > any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
> > Garagiola's head.
> >
> > Menopause:
> >
> > When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
> > complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
> > The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
> > Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys
> > aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
> > and goes shopping for a Porsche.
> >
> > The Telephone:
> >
> > Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
> > telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
> > visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
> > will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
> >
> > Directions:
> >
> > If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
> > surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
> > directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
> > Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive
> > in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like,
> > "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know
> > I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
> >
> > Admitting Mistakes:
> >
> > Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
> > admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
> >
> > Richard Gere:
> >
> > Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
> > Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
> > who works at the health club and dates only married women.
> >
> > Madonna:
> >
> > Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
> >
> > Toys:
> >
> > Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
> > age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of
> > their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys
> > simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
> > Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.
> > Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
> > robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything
> > that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries
> > to operate.
> >
> > Plants:
> >
> > A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
> > The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days
> > later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why
> > this happens.
> >
> > Cameras:
> >
> > Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000
> > for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
> > photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of
> > course women always end up taking better pictures.
> >
> > Locker Rooms:
> >
> > In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
> > and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
> > nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
> > about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex.
> > And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
> > technical, and they never lie.
> >
> > Garages:
> >
> > Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
> > Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in
> > garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided
> > benches in garages.
> >
> > Movies:
> >
> > Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
> > scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies
> > has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever
> > appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another
> > reason why men hate him.
> >
> > Jewelry:
> >
> > Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away
> > with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and
> > he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------