Fwd- The MacGyver Cookbook (fwd)

Courtney Suzanne Glazer (glazer@tenet.edu)
Mon, 3 Feb 1997 10:21:59 -0600 (CST)

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Date: Sat, 1 Feb 97 14:00:33 -0600 (CST)
From: Edna K. Podell <epodell@airmail.net>
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Subject: Fwd- The MacGyver Cookbook

>From: Stuart Podell <0003647572@mcimail.com>
>From: Lauren Levy (lauren.levy@gcidqmsrv.gmd.trw.com)
>> The MacGyver Cookbook
>> Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff myself
>> for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this
>> cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I make
>> 'em in my own kitchen at home.
>> Frequent flier coupons
>> One medium paperclip
>> (not plastic coated)
>> One movie ticket stub
>> Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a
>> nice relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to
>> make them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax.
>> Ecuador is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a
>> round-trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of
>> bags of peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those
>> for the cookies.
>> You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches
>> archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to
>> try to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in
>> archaeology as a hobby--who went down there to find the lost
>> pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles
>> as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to
>> myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him
>> a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices
>> that, according to the priests of the day, were pretty darn
>> all-around
>> nifty.
>> Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the
>> god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a
>> curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a
>> digital
>> watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did actually
>> exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with
>> comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of
>> Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other
>> devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring
>> by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little
>> packets
>> of salt and butter that come with your meal--the woman next to you
>> will be too worried about her father to eat and so you'll want to
>> take
>> her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her crackers too.
>> When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of
>> the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some
>> reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation
>> might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when
>> you look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left
>> side
>> and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll
>> thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp
>> something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily
>> on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for a
>> cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the way,
>> though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a
>> half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the
>> appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie
>> ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your
>> pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then
>> surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with the
>> chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the house."
>> At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the
>> concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the
>> snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the
>> clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who
>> sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers
>> you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the
>> mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll
>> both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has time to
>> squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the first one
>> anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another
>> vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in
>> her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the bank first to take
>> care of a little business. While she's talking with the bank
>> representative, you casually wander back to the safety deposit boxes
>> and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair
>> sized
>> paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large
>> bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with the folded piece of
>> paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit box. Go back to the
>> lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
>> Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold
>> the piece of paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the
>> Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion
>> notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and
>> exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's
>> pretty straightforward--just trek through the jungle with her for a
>> few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the
>> mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole
>> into its depths, and locate the treasure room.
>> There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge
>> rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his
>> head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until
>> softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two
>> cupfuls
>> of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the
>> next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and
>> two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic
>> bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well,
>> add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the bag,
>> pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by
>> swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against
>> the back of the idol.
>> Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to
>> lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held
>> in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as
>> the
>> stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab
>> slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab
>> table
>> being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having
>> a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the
>> outer room and bring it into the lab where there's better light for a
>> closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and set them
>> next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her father
>> will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note
>> that the device in question is clearly of extraterrestrial
>> manufacture
>> and appears to be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting
>> device--except that it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the
>> actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror.
>> Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade
>> from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one
>> quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect the
>> high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand
>> back while you use the high-powered laser to cut through the chain
>> holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other
>> side
>> of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll
>> burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you
>> but
>> hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on and cracking the rear
>> reflector, bathing the area--the cookies in particular--with
>> high-energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the
>> temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment
>> where you kiss her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been
>> running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair's
>> not greasy at all" the cookies should be done.
>> Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that
>> the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to
>> explode,
>> and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the pole with
>> the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the
>> pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle
>> of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall
>> back into the temple as you and your companions escape into the
>> jungle depths just moments before the entire secret temple explodes,
>> destroying the drug smuggling operation along with all the
>> extraterrestrial artifacts.
>> By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your
>> companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of
>> so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and
>> notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the
>> plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
>> Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever
>> tried--I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad
>> batch yet.