[HUMOR] More Barbie Stocking Stuffers

Rus Maxham (rus@apple.com)
Mon, 3 Feb 1997 13:39:13 -0800

New from MATTEL:

Sister Mary Barbie:
This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting
and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's
habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she
says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

Rabbi Barbie:
So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie
comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup,
Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin Barbie:
Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is
the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the
group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll
schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in
the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline
tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie:
This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is
ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a
day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the
string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while
wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and
mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code
revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death
threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a
Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left

Twelve-Step Barbie:
Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an
alcoholic." comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day
chip and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie:
Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made
from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie:
Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:
An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake
blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie:
Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership,
pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men.
Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for
Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves:
Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out. Comes with spreadable
legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass and detailed diagrams of female
anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly,
non-threatening way. Also available: booklets on sexual responsibility
and accessories such as contraceptives, expanding uterus with fetus at
various stages of development and breastpump (all optional), underscoring
that each young woman has the right to choose what she does with her own

Homegirl Barbie:
Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with
gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and
says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You
go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie:
Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie:
Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine!

After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike
heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie:
A Barbie with love handles, double chin, a curvy belly, and voluminous
thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a
miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's
walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a
t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of course, an appetite.

"Citadel Barbie"
Comes with its own match feminist activists, ambulance-chasing lawyers, and
CNN van sold separately

Rus Maxham Cube of cold pinkness
w(408)974-SASY Yellow specks of porcine fat
rus@apple.com Give me a spork please