Dawn Hollingsworth (
Fri, 21 Mar 1997 19:00:34 -0500

Some light reading for the weekend.....


>>>> And the translations from the Woman->Man dictionary!

> 10. After two years, I just don`t have any feelings for you anymore.
I'm bored, you must be the reason.

> 9. Laying in your arms on your lap for two hours really didn`t mean
> anything. I was tired, and I didn`t know what I was doing.
Now that I think about it, my friends mean more to me than you do.

> 8. I`m really not seeing anyone else right now. I don`t want to see
> anyone else. I just don`t want to see anyone right now.
There's this total fox and...

> 7. I want to see other people.
he's agreed to go out on a date...

> 6. I still love/care about you.
we're now on a second date...

> 5. My life is really screwed up right now.
we've started having sex...

> 4. It`s not your fault. It`s nothing you did. It`s me.

> 3. I just don`t want a boyfriend right now.

> 2. I`m confused.

> And the number one answer...
> 1. I just don`t know what I want right now.
And I'm desperately afraid that I'm missing something even better
by staying with you!

Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

>>>> And the translations from the Man->Woman dictionary!

10. I just don't love you .....
>> But I really enjoyed screwing your brains out ..... couldn't we just continue like this ?

8. I wasn't staring at that blond on the beach.
>> But did you see those ?????

7. I need to shop for my spring wardrobe
>> I think I'm gay

6. I'v been really busy lately
>> See, I'm dating five babe-o-licious girls ....

5. "We will have to go out one of these nights"

--- I've really enjoyed stringing you along all these months and maybe
in another lifetime, or when hell freezes over, you might get lucky
enough to be worthy of going out with me. Of course, you will have to
buy your own dinner.

1. "I'm still young."
>> There's a lot of people I want to do before I settle down--and I've already done you.

>>>>More translations from the Man->Woman dictionary!

(in any situation)
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired

(in a group)
Anyone want to go eat? = I want to go eat
Who wants to see this movie? = Do we have to see this movie?
Who wants to see this movie? = Doesn't anyone else want to see this movie?

(in a one-on-one situation)
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I get your coat? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Let me get your door. = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = Oh no! Not again! What's wrong? = WHAT IS IT NOW?
What's wrong? = Quit whining!
What's wrong? = Oh god of all creatures big and small, please don't let it be a long one!
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

Yes dear = Bitch!

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now.
I love you too = Now why did you have to say that, it makes my stomach turn.
I love you too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

(answering to her "Did you think that girl was pretty" question)
She was all right = If an elephant came into the room, would I not see it?

Sure, let's go see that play = I don't want to go, but you'll make my life miserable if I don't go.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair
= I liked it better before.
= 50 bucks and it doesn't look that much different!
= For 50 bucks they should have given you more hair instead of taking some away.

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Hello, FTD? I'd like to send some flowers to my girlfriend/wife...
= This ought to shut her up for a while at the expense of some humiliation from my male peers.
= I should be banging her by 9 pm!

(while shopping)
I like that one better = pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

Will you marry me?
= I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
= I might as well get tax benefits for going through this shit.
= I'm tired of talking to you over the phone.
= I'm tired of carting your ass back home every night.

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of

"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog

"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there
is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl
I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely

"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my
chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."

Lovers Guide

What They say: What They mean:
"Did you come?" "Because I didn't."

"I have something to tell you." "Get tested."

"I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor."

"I never meant to hurt you." "I thought you weren't a

"Trust me." "Let's just keep this between
you and me."

"I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly."

"Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass."

"Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my

"We need to talk." "I'm pregnant."

"I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?"

"I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as
when I was drunk."

"I've learned a lot from you." "Next!"

"I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation."

"I think we should see other people." "I have been seeing other

"Let's get married." "Does that mean we can do it now?

"We don't have to do anything until "Put out or get out."
you are ready."

"I feel its time to express our love "Give me head."
for each other."

"I still think about you." "I miss the sex."

"Is there something wrong?" "Is it supposed to be this soft?"

"You're so mature." "I hope you're eighteen."

"Its never been like this before." "It's my first time."

"Yes...Yes...(scream!)." "Aren't you done yet?"

"It's not you; it's me." "It's you."