Warning: Puns

Jane S (jane.s@3do.com)
21 Jan 1997 12:03:09 -0800

Mail*Link( SMTP Warning: Puns

it does say warning
so dont blame your groaning on me
blame it on scott
Date: 1/20/97 11:07 PM
From: Scott Bartlett

1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit,
and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set
it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip
of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No,
I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a
tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers

4. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

5. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam;
then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's
wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two

6. A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put
in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my
made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on
everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well,"
the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made
with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away
your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use
chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist
replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like
chrome for the Hollandaise!"

7. An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The
first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a
teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth,
also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made
of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but
chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story
teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to
guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one
young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior
answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two